Sheilan Laing doesn香蕉视频直播檛 like to talk about why he doesn香蕉视频直播檛 play hockey.
Being unable to lace up his skates and get out there for a good skate 香蕉视频直播� feeling the wind in his face as he picks up speed, hearing the crunch of his blades cutting into the ice and the sound of teammates and foes battling for the puck 香蕉视频直播� not playing is a scar that runs deep with the 37 year old Chilliwack man.
When he thinks about why he香蕉视频直播檚 not playing, old feelings bubble to the surface, and he relives the moment that forced him to the sidelines.
He feels frustration and anger as the images flash in his mind.
A playoff game in a men香蕉视频直播檚 hockey league. A spirited battle along the boards. A vicious and totally unnecessary cross-check to the back of his head by an agitated opponent.
香蕉视频直播淚 believe it was the final game of the final playoff series,香蕉视频直播� Laing says. 香蕉视频直播淚 was checking him along the boards, just working hard. I turned around to head off the ice for a line change, and guys from both teams say he hit me from behind in the head.
香蕉视频直播淚 was knocked out before I even hit the ice.香蕉视频直播�
Laing doesn香蕉视频直播檛 remember any of that.
Instead, he remembers sitting in the dressing room crying, and the anguish he felt knowing that he was concussed.
Again.
香蕉视频直播淚t wasn香蕉视频直播檛 even anger that I felt,香蕉视频直播� he says quietly. 香蕉视频直播淭hat came later. What I felt in that moment was despair because I knew what I was going to have to go through everything all over again.香蕉视频直播�
^
^
Laing was no stranger to concussions before that terrible night.
He figures he started down that path in bantam. He was a smaller player then, learning to hit and be hit, and he remembers 香蕉视频直播渟eeing stars.香蕉视频直播�
香蕉视频直播淚 was knocked unconscious twice in my first year of bantam,香蕉视频直播� he says. 香蕉视频直播淏ut back then it was kind of, 香蕉视频直播楪et your mind straight and get back out on the ice.
A few years later, after experiencing a significant growth spurt, Laing found himself playing junior B in Nelson.
He was hammered into the boards by an opponent and knocked out.
香蕉视频直播淚 was probably out for a week or a week-and-a-half after that hit and I wasn香蕉视频直播檛 feeling good whatsoever, but the team doctors said I was ready to go back in,香蕉视频直播� Laing says. 香蕉视频直播淚 told them I didn香蕉视频直播檛 feel right, but it got to the point where the coach said, 香蕉视频直播業f you don香蕉视频直播檛 get back out on the ice, we香蕉视频直播檙e going to be looking to trade you.香蕉视频直播�
香蕉视频直播淪o I got back out there, and within the first 10 minutes of my first game I got flattened by a guy and was concussed again.
香蕉视频直播淪everal of my teammates told me later that the coach was yelling, 香蕉视频直播楪et up you pussy!香蕉视频直播櫹憬妒悠抵辈
The Nelson coach was true to his word, trading Laing to the Castlegar Rebels soon after. Advised by a non-team affiliated doctor to stop playing hockey, Laing told Castlegar that he was walking away from junior B at 18 years old.
香蕉视频直播淎t that point, I couldn香蕉视频直播檛 even walk around without getting dizzy,香蕉视频直播� he says. 香蕉视频直播淚 had headaches all the time and the bright lights of a rink made me feel disoriented. That went on for years afterwards and the worst part is I blamed myself. I thought I wasn香蕉视频直播檛 香蕉视频直播榯ough enough香蕉视频直播� to get through it, and I was the one who quit.香蕉视频直播�
Through it all, Laing香蕉视频直播檚 love of hockey never wavered.
He stopped because he had to, but he never lost the desire to play.
Laing grew up playing hockey with a lot of guys in Chilliwack, and figured the local men香蕉视频直播檚 rec league would be a relatively safe way to scratch the hockey itch. Most of the players he played with and against knew something of his history and recognized that he was at high risk for another concussion.
香蕉视频直播淚t香蕉视频直播檚 not like there was an unwritten rule to not hit me or anything like that,香蕉视频直播� he says. 香蕉视频直播淏ut guys are pretty respectful about that type of thing. It香蕉视频直播檚 supposed to be non-contact and I was a pretty big guy who could handle himself, but if there was a skirmish I香蕉视频直播檇 just turn away or push around a bit and find a way to get out of it.香蕉视频直播�
It was six years from leaving junior B to the night he was blindsided in the men香蕉视频直播檚 league game.
Laing was now 26 years old, married with his first child on the way.
Laing only missed three works of work after the hit.
The after-effects of the concussion lasted way longer, wreaking havoc in his life.
He found that he could barely remember anything from his childhood, and memory lapses made it difficult to function at work, where he was a construction site foreman.
Depression and anxiety already plagued him, and got much worse as he struggled to regain what was lost.
香蕉视频直播淚 resorted to a lot of drinking to get through it,香蕉视频直播� he admits. 香蕉视频直播淭hat took a toll on my marriage.香蕉视频直播�
Laing actually started drinking and experimenting with drugs a lot earlier, when he was a teenager in Nelson. It香蕉视频直播檚 a common story with young hockey players who move away from home and experience 香蕉视频直播榝reedom香蕉视频直播� for the first time, encouraged in their excess by teammates who are two or three years older. By the time he left junior B, the alcohol and drugs were as much about self-medicating as anything else.
香蕉视频直播淚 didn香蕉视频直播檛 know it at the time, I had no idea why I was doing it, but I was depressed and anxious and feeling horrible about myself and the shitty way that it (his hockey career) ended,香蕉视频直播� Laing says. 香蕉视频直播淏y the time it fell apart in Nelson, I was drinking to the point of blacking out,香蕉视频直播� Laing says. 香蕉视频直播淲hen I got back to Chilliwack I just partied for three or four years until I met my wife. Even after that, I was drinking way too much.香蕉视频直播�
Up to and following the last concussion, it remained a major issue in his life. When he drank too much, he lost every shred of control. He was emotionally volatile, willing to fight anyone at the drop of a hat and he香蕉视频直播檇 lash out at anyone, even his wife.
Fortunately, he married a woman (Jill) who was blessed with tremendous patience.
香蕉视频直播淪he香蕉视频直播檚 always been there for me,香蕉视频直播� he says, smiling. 香蕉视频直播淢any times our relationship has struggled because of the stuff I香蕉视频直播檝e gone through and she香蕉视频直播檚 stood by me. It香蕉视频直播檚 not one thing she香蕉视频直播檚 ever said or done, but I honestly don香蕉视频直播檛 think there香蕉视频直播檚 a chance I香蕉视频直播檇 be here today without her.香蕉视频直播�
In his lowest moments, Laing thought about walking away from life. Thinking about Jill and his two children was all that kept him going.
香蕉视频直播淓very day I香蕉视频直播檇 be driving down the road and I香蕉视频直播檇 think, 香蕉视频直播業 can just crash into that telephone pole or drive off this bridge, and I came very close,香蕉视频直播� he says. 香蕉视频直播淚 had pills for the depression and anxiety and I香蕉视频直播檇 just stare at it thinking, 香蕉视频直播業 could take the whole bottle.香蕉视频直播�
香蕉视频直播淚 thought about buying a gun. I thought about hanging myself in my garage. I didn香蕉视频直播檛 care about myself and the only thing that brought me back was my wife and kids and thinking about the harm I香蕉视频直播檇 be causing them.香蕉视频直播�
A turn for the better came when Laing heard a radio advertisement for the Advanced Concussion Clinic in Vancouver.
The specialists were the first to show any understanding of what he was going through.
香蕉视频直播淵ou have a broken arm and people can see that you香蕉视频直播檙e hurt, but you have a concussion and no one knows how you香蕉视频直播檙e feeling inside,香蕉视频直播� Laing explains. 香蕉视频直播淚 went to my family doctor for years and he had no idea what to do with me.
香蕉视频直播淪o I drove all the way down to Oak Street in Vancouver on my own dime.香蕉视频直播�
Since walking through the doors to that clinic, Laing has learned a ton about concussions and how to cope with the physical and mental havoc they create.
香蕉视频直播淏ut I don香蕉视频直播檛 think you ever feel normal again, you just feel like you香蕉视频直播檙e a little better,香蕉视频直播� he says. 香蕉视频直播淭his last year, especially since I quit drinking alcohol, I think it香蕉视频直播檚 given my brain more of an opportunity to heal. I香蕉视频直播檝e worked on a lot of mental stuff through it all, therapy and everything, and I feel better than I have since I was 17.香蕉视频直播�
But there are still times when he doesn香蕉视频直播檛 feel well.
Eleven years later, there are moments when he struggles to remember the name of someone he met just five minutes ago.
He has a day planner. He literally writes everything down, because he has to.
香蕉视频直播淯nless I write it down, I香蕉视频直播檒l forget,香蕉视频直播� he says. 香蕉视频直播淭here are times when I go into a room with people I香蕉视频直播檝e met a dozen times and I can香蕉视频直播檛 remember their name, and there are times when I can香蕉视频直播檛 remember the name of a certain product or pipe that I香蕉视频直播檝e used for 15 years. I can香蕉视频直播檛 get the word out and it gets embarrassing and frustrating because now they香蕉视频直播檙e thinking I don香蕉视频直播檛 know what I香蕉视频直播檓 talking about. And that香蕉视频直播檚 where anxiety comes in.香蕉视频直播�
Playing hockey again? Still a dream.
Laing attempted to come back a couple times, playing four games here or five games there.
香蕉视频直播淏ut I just couldn香蕉视频直播檛 do it, because I get disoriented when my heart-rate gets too high,香蕉视频直播� he laments. 香蕉视频直播淭he last time I tried, I was out there for a shift and one of my teammates said, 香蕉视频直播榥ice pass香蕉视频直播� and I didn香蕉视频直播檛 even know what they were talking about. They could see it. They could see that I wasn香蕉视频直播檛 the same player anymore.
There was a point when revenge was on Laing香蕉视频直播檚 mind and the only thing he thought about was getting back onto the ice so he could challenge the guy whose cheap shot triggered this nightmare.
He admits he even took steroids for a while, because the guy he香蕉视频直播檇 be going after 香蕉视频直播渋s a mean and tough cat.香蕉视频直播�
Nowadays, he香蕉视频直播檚 about forgiveness.
The man who did this too him has apologized many times since, pretty much every time the two run into each other in public.
A more mature Laing says life香蕉视频直播檚 too short to hold grudges, even well-deserved ones.
But that doesn香蕉视频直播檛 mean he香蕉视频直播檚 cool with how it happened, how it was allowed to happen, and how it could happen again.
香蕉视频直播淎 lot of the guys in the rec league have played rep or junior hockey their whole lives, so they have that competitiveness in them,香蕉视频直播� he explains. 香蕉视频直播淣ear the end of the year and into playoffs, we understand that it gets amped up a bit. There香蕉视频直播檚 a little more body. A little more stick-work. Emotions run a little higher and we香蕉视频直播檙e totally find with that. I was involved in that too.
香蕉视频直播淏ut when it comes to cheap shots from behind or taking a guy香蕉视频直播檚 knee out, that香蕉视频直播檚 unacceptable.香蕉视频直播�
The solution, he says, must be a zero tolerance policy, especially for hits to the head.
香蕉视频直播淔irst offence, gone for the rest of the year. Second offence, gone for good,香蕉视频直播� Laing says with conviction. 香蕉视频直播淭hese are all guys trying to earn a living right? You can香蕉视频直播檛 be taking three or four months off to recover from an injury. You get a guy who hip-checks someone and breaks his leg or dislocates his knee, and the guy who香蕉视频直播檚 hit can香蕉视频直播檛 go to work for four months. What do you do about that? That香蕉视频直播檚 not right.香蕉视频直播�
When Laing comes back, as he eventually still plans to do, he hopes to come back to a league that is safer that the one he left.
香蕉视频直播淚 do miss it a lot,香蕉视频直播� he says wistfully. 香蕉视频直播淚 love the smell of the rink. I love walking in there and smelling the ice. The concession. The hockey gear. Say it香蕉视频直播檚 weird, but those are the smells I香蕉视频直播檝e grown up with my whole life. I love the people. I love being on the ice skating as fast as I can for a loose puck. Scoring goals. Making a big play. All those things. Being on the ice or in the dressing room, just joking around. You miss that stuff.香蕉视频直播�
And now that he香蕉视频直播檚 finally putting his story out in the open, Laing also hopes that other concussion victims realize that they香蕉视频直播檙e not alone.
香蕉视频直播淚香蕉视频直播檓 at the point now where I香蕉视频直播檓 feeling better about myself and I can be a positive influence for someone who香蕉视频直播檚 might be going through exactly what I香蕉视频直播檝e been through,香蕉视频直播� he says. 香蕉视频直播淚f anyone reaches out to me, I香蕉视频直播檇 love to help them get through it quicker than I did, because it took a very long time for me.香蕉视频直播�
eric.welsh@theprogress.com
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