It's that time of the year again where I drink eggnog and roast some "Christmas Classics." What 10 terrible Christmas movies made my list this year? Keep reading and you'll find out!
10. Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure (2003)
Who knew there was a sequel to the Chevy Chase starring cult classic Christmas Vacation? This movie was absolutely godawful. Randy Quaid returns as the lead this time around, but there's literally no good jokes to be found anywhere, which is bizarre for a National Lampoons' movie. The film also takes place on a tropical island for the majority of the runtime and has zero Christmas feel to it, which makes me wonder if it should even be classified as a Christmas film! Avoid at all costs unless you have a hefty stockpile of eggnog on hand and you're a glutton for punishment like I am.
9. A Christmas Story 2 (2012)
This sequel to the original A Christmas Story reminds me of a turkey that's been cooked too long in the oven. It has a cheap, made for TV budget, a dull and episodic plot that's blander than dry mashed potatoes with no butter, and the acting was subpar from everyone involved. While I generally like Daniel Stern's work, he couldn't hold a candle to Darren McGavin who played the "old man" in the original film. If you're curious about Ralphie's life as a teenager, feel free to give it a watch, but I guarantee you'll need a good amount of eggnog flowing through your system to make it all the way to the end.
8. Beethoven's Christmas Adventure (2011)
I was a huge fan of the original Beethoven movie when I was a kid, and so when I saw there was a Beethoven Christmas movie I knew right away it'd make the list this year. This is apparently the seventh (!!) sequel in the giant dog series, and it's basically about a stupid elf who makes a mistake and sets off Santa's sleigh by accident. A couple of crooks end up stealing Santa's bag full of toys and it's up to Beethoven to save the day. I actually found the movie to be entertainingly bad, especially near the end when Beethoven actually gets to fly Santa's sleigh, but who knows, maybe that's just the eggnog talking. It definitely took me a few glasses to help finish the movie, but I have to admit I did have an enjoyable time with it.
7. 2nd Chance for Christmas (2019)
This one's about a pop artist who doesn't like Christmas, and just like in A Christmas Carol, she's visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. This modern adaption of the classic Dickens' tale looks cheap, has quite a bit of subpar acting, and the romance angle fell completely flat. I knew going in it was going to be bad, so I poured a few extra eggnogs to help dull the pain, and as such, the movie flew by in a blur, so maybe that's one positive thing it has going for it.
6. Christmas Carol: The Movie (2001 - animated)
Another stunningly bad adaption of Charles Dickens timeless classic. This one is a dull animated version that moves along at such a leisurely pace it made me damn near fall asleep before the ghost of Christmas past even shows up. I wish I'd been able to drink more eggnog to help get me through the movie all the way to the end, but it's tough to drink eggnog when you're already fast asleep. I will give it bonus points though for casting the great Nicolas Cage as the voice of Marley.
5. Falling for Christmas (2022)
Lindsay Lohan made her triumphant return to Netflix with this romantic holiday Christmas film about a shallow woman who suffers memory loss and then falls for the guy who rescued her. While I do think Lohan's acting was actually pretty decent in this, it's basically a crappy Hallmark movie made by Netflix and it also blatantly rips off the classic Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn movie Overboard. You can find better movies than this one to spend your time on, but if you really want to sit down and watch the return of Lindsay Lohan, be like me and drink eggnog. Eggnog makes every movie easier to sit through.
4. Christmas in Wonderland (2006)
I picked up this movie not only because it's set in Canada at West Edmonton Mall, but also because I knew it was going to be a turd. Basically, a family moves from Los Angeles to Edmonton (I feel bad for the family, LOL) and chaos ensues when they go to the famous mall and find some fake cash and accidentally help catch some crooks. This movie stunk all around, and not just because it was filmed in Edmonton. Luckily I had some eggnog in hand and I was able to take in a few deep breaths of beautiful Vancouver Island air to help alleviate the stench.
3. The Elf (2016)
A young man inherits an old toy shop with a cursed elf stuck inside of an enchanted chest. I generally like killer doll movies, but this one was downright horrible. Flat characters, terrible CGI, and a slow pace that takes forever before anything good happens. By the time the first kill scene finally occurs I guarantee you'll care more about getting a refill of eggnog than what happens next.
2. Prancer Returns (2001)
Last year I roasted the Prancer remake, this year I'm taking aim at the sequel. In fairness though, it's hard to top the original Prancer starring Sam Elliott, which was one of my favourite movies when I was just a little Tyson who liked to lay on his stomach in front of the TV without a care in the world. Anyways, to get back on track here, Prancer Returns basically copies the story of the first movie, only it's not as dark and nowhere near as good. There's also an evil principal character who gets bitten by the reindeer and then calls animal control, which was admittedly hilarious. Instead of watching this sequel, do yourself a favour and throw on the original Prancer again and limit yourself to only one eggnog.
1. Red One (2024)
I decided to close out my 2024 by watching The Rock and Chris Evans cash a paycheque in a Christmas movie about Santa Claus being kidnapped. It was painful for me, as I'm not a fan of the majority of The Rock's movies. I barely paid attention to the first half of the movie, and then I managed to drink an entire box of eggnog in order to help me get through the last half. The CGI looked awful, the characters had no depth, and while the storyline was admittedly somewhat amusing, I didn't care about it at all and it was just a chore for me to finish. J.K. Simmons was cool as Santa though. Good casting there.
Tyson Whitney is the editor of the North Island Gazette in Port Hardy on Vancouver Island.
